you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Just took my morning after pill in the library
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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