I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
