If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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