nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
