So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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