Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
