i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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