I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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