I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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