Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
