Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Randomize
