The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
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