Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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