the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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