I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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