you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
