You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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