At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
