I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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