I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
