The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I need to calm my uterus...
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
