My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
