i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
