So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
