I just made out with a guy for $7.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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