I wanna bring you to show and tell
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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