why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
