the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
