I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
