So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
