we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
