If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
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