im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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