I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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