What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
we should paint friendship bongs
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