I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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