Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
