i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Drake has all the answers
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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