Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
