my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize