Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
