You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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