I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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