yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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