whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
