i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
