Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
