woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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