I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
