cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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