Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
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