planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Randomize
