Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
