well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
