Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
