my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
