Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I just blew my weed a kiss
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I didn't notice because vodka
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
