You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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