I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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