I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
